Back to Step 1.

Just like we learn in school, history repeats itself. I feel like I'm back to 2 years ago, where time felt like it wasn't moving at all, for me atleast. And everyone else was moving on with their lives. Why is it that everytime something new comes along, I cannot get myself to move along with it. When I look around, everyone seems so happy and adapted, but I feel like I'm forever stuck in the past I'm familiar with and I'm stuck in. Two years ago, everyone was going to school as I was waiting for my trip to Spain. I felt like I was watching T.V. with everyone in it, and I was the only one staying still watching the movement.

Two years ago, I would give my life to some of my friends. But now, those friends don't even talk to me anymore. I just want to crawl up into a hole and live alone forever. Who needs friends? Why do I put so much effort? What's in it for me? I'm tired of always making the effort, always making the first step, always trying to keep the friendship alive. You say we're good friends, but I'm the one making the effort. It's a one sided friendship, I should just give up on it, but my heart won't let go.

Everyone's smiling
Everyone's partying
Everyone's drinking
Everyone's happy
Everyone's having the time of their life

Why can't I be just like them?
I'm addicted to happiness.
When the feeling is with me, it's perfect
But when it's gone, I feel the urgent need for it ASAP.


I wish I could drink and party and be just like everyone else. But this force just keeps me back, preventing me from doing anything. Technically I could party all I wanted, all the resources are right infront of me. But why can't I get myself to do it?

Just hearing about stories, hearing about drinks, hearing about hooka kits, hearing anything related to partying, makes me frustrated. Don't talk to me if that's all you can talk about, don't come visit me if that's all you want to do.

I tell myself I want to make a difference, but I know I can't do it alone. I don't like being alone, most of the time. I don't like going to places alone, most of the time. When I do something new, I would always like someone to go and join in with me. I'll always look for someone I can lean back on if I get pushed over, someone I can trust. But that seems to hard to find now. So I'll just give up, depend on myself, 'cause there's no one that could be my everything. Everyone believed that I would find my perfect friend in college, but that just doesn't seem possible. I've searched long and hard, but I've been searching for someone who is non existant.