n. Complete loss of hope.

Sometimes I wish I was rich. It always seems like you can do so much when you have wealth. But anyways, I just hate it when people can buy anything without a second thought or consequence. I can never buy things without a conscious telling me to ask my parents first or if I really need/want it. I can't understand why others don't do the same. But I've come to the conclusion that those people can suck it...just kidding that was so mean I don't know what got into me, I just had to say it.

It just kills me inside when someone is better than me because of what they can afford, and the fact that I can physically get it also, but I won't because it's not necessary to have in order to obtain that level of skill. Does that even make sense? I don't know what I'm saying anymore..so I'm just going to stop. This will be my last post with a picture for a long time. It just doesn't seem worth it to show my amateur pictures if someone can take one just as well or better with less experience but better lens and camera.

To take (the property of another or others) without permission or right, esp. secretly or by force

As highschool ended I thought to myself, "I'm not going to make different groups of friends ever again. It just causes so much trouble." Everytime I want to hang out with all my friends at once, the problem of different group of friends comes to mind. I realize that, I have many many different groups of friends, and I can't help it. As much as I tried to avoid it, it came back to bite me in the butt once again in college. I made different kinds of friends, tried to mix them, and it just doesn't work like that.

Alot of times when I introduce new friends to old, I feel as if my own friends are stolen from me. Losing friends is always unavoidable, but it's one of the feelings I hate the most. Even if I don't like someone, or I know they're using me. I'll still make the effort to keep in touch, just because I hate the feeling of "I use to know him/her..."


(I never finished this post)

To fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of

I was just informed a few days ago that a child hood friend of mine is going to USC with a half scholarship. A year early. And this was someone I grew up with. As I talked to my dad about him I could see the admiration through my dad's eyes, how proud my friend's mom must be of him, how my dad wished that his own children could be just as successful if not more successful that than boy. I felt so bad for my dad, having two children, both not as successful as that boy at such a young age. And just a few hours ago I was discussion with him over lunch my plans of my future career (not all of it ;]).

I told him "Sorry I'm not that successful..." and all he said was, "It's okay, Ai-Yi worked hard on him, and I believe you'll be successful in what ever you do."

Just flashing back to my history makes me depressed, I've disappointed my dad numerous times, but today was just a reminder as to how hard I have to work. Not for the sake of myself and my own asiprations, but for my dad's pride and joy. In order to allow my dad to feel the achievement of bringing up a good child, I must succeed in getting my B.S. and my minor, take the best possible pictures I can, hopefully end up getting paid to take pictures, and become an awesome snowboarder that people would actually want to sponsor. But the biggest dream of all would be to get paid to play my cello, the instrument that my dad loves the most. Even though that dream is nearly impossible with the competition, I know everytime I come home, I'll just play the cello and my dad will have a smile on his face. Even if I tell him to get out of my room, I know he's listening near by with a smile as big as mine.

I can no longer disappoint my dad anymore. Everyone tells me to just change majors because I seem so disinterested in Biology. But, to be honest, I'm not doing it for myself, it's for my family, everyone believes I'm still going to be the vet I dreamed of becomming when I was younger. It was the only thing I would talk about everytime someone asked me what I wanted to become. I can't back out on everyone now going, "Just kidding." To other people, it's my life and I can do what ever I want, I should do what ever I want. But, in my mind, I'm here for my family, I will do what they imagine me doing to satisfy them. I live for them and friends... they are my life...

A state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.

Everytime I pick up my books and pencils to study, I realize that I don't even really start studying until maybe 4 hours later. I hate how I can't get myself to study, even though I know I really need to. Procrastination at it's best. Even though my study habits continue to deprove, I'm beginning to balance out my social life among different friends.

I love it when people call me to eat, or call me and say "We need to catch up..." something along those lines. (How can I spend HOURS talking to someone, but to other people I just have nothing to say?) It makes me feel needed, like I serve some sort of purpose in this world. But, I still have regrets for next year and it's something I'll have to live with. Just like my scarred wrist, my scarred gpa, my messed up highschool life, and a disease I'll carry with me forever until it decides to awaken and kill me. How dramatic that sounded =].

Although it's only winter quarter, it feels as if school is already going too fast. The year is almost over and I havn't accomplished anything I can be 100% proud of with no regrets. I've finally become more social, but I'm not exactly sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Still in hope of searching for that one perfect friend, trying to keep new years resolutions, trying to change myself into a better person in general, practice what I love, and just be the best that I can.

Something that serves to keep alive the memory of a person or event.

This whole week left me stressed out, anxious, and in pain with bruises from people hitting me and from snowboarding. Feeling lost no matter what I did, no matter where I went. I couldn't breathe during class, I couldn't even come to my senses that I wasn't getting enough oxygen, and I couldn't control my thoughts. As a last resort I had to call my mom, asking for help, knowing that she's already busy enough without my phone calls.

Knowing my health the best, my mom wanted me to go home ASAP to go see a doctor or just to get away from it all. But, knowing that midterms were just a week away, I had to tell her to not pick me up, I had to stay and see the week through even if it meant more pain to my body. But, through this week, I had a big reminder of who my friend's truly are. The ones that will listen no matter what time of the day and give great advice no matter how stupid the question may sound. One that will come just to help me clean..(Emily TANG)..and one who's just a phone call away, ready to make me laugh and forget it all, eventhough she's feeling down in the dumps herself.

Thursdays are like my sanctuary days, if there is a basketball game that is...
Just the sound of the basketball game, the sound of people cheering, the whistle of the refs., and the sound of my camera, soothes and calms my mind. Photography has become my replacement for music. When I was at home, feeling stressed or overwhelmed, I would simply go down to play piano or play cello, and my mind would be so concentrated on the music that I would forget all my worries, for the time being. But, being at a crappy arse dorm with no piano, there's nothing I could do at school to calm my mind. I guess I'll just have to look foward to Fridays even more now.

A hollow muscular organ of vertebrate animals that by its rhythmic contraction acts as a force pump maintaining the circulation of the blood

Do you ever get that feeling? Where your heart just hurts, and there's no specific reason why... I'm not talking about a "heart break" over some guy. Just the feeling that something's lost and you can never gain it back...Or there are just things you can never prevent.

If you've known me long enough, or well enough, you know that I don't like making decisions unless I am 100% sureof what I want (which is less than 25% of the time). If you ask me what I want to eat, I wouldn't know unless I'm craving something (which is also rare). You could keep asking me what/where I want to go to eat, I couldn't give you an answer even if you gave me a whole day to decide. Why can't I decide? Even with my own future, I can't decide what I want anymore. I was so prepared through middle school. I knew exactly want I wanted, exactly which classes I was going to take, and which college/gradschool I wanted to go to. I had everything down to the fine line details, but now that I'm in college, I can't even decide what I want to major in anymore. My path doesn't just go two different routes, there is a third and a fourth now. Why can't I be realisitic with myself? No matter how hard I try, I can't convince myself to just keep my mind on ONE future. Okay maybe thinking of the future is too much, but I can't even decide who I want to be around anymore (friends). This has always been a probem for me, ever since I moved in middle school. I honestly just wish I was back in middleschool or younger. When my ignorance was the best thing in the world.

I hate when things change. I hate how time moves on, and I can't hold on to the past no matter how hard i try. I use to love hanging out with my cousins. Doing nothing, playing video games, just fooling around. But now, we hardly even see eachother, but when we do it's only for a few hours and we're not always together or we're all doing our own thing. It'll never be the same no matter how hard I try to make it how it was. Family vacations will no longer be the same, because we are no longer the same age and our interests are no longer the same. Nothing will ever be the same, the comfort of knowing will never be there.